Confessions, cookies, and cryptic messages

I am making chocolate chip cookies, this is something I have done a zillion times. So while I wait for them to cook, I am going to just ramble. New recipe next week. Promise

1. I am impatient and patient at the same time. I will wait for something for a long time if I think it’s worth it. But I always want it now

2. I listen to probably the same 20 songs. Over and over. And I am all over the place with music. Pink, Justin Timberlake, Taylor Swift, old school Mary J. Blige, Dido, Black Keys. 

3. I watch shows because I want to discuss them with people who would also watch them. But I don’t, I just watch them and think about the people who would have watched them with me.

4. I am so scared of becoming my mom. Like anxiety scared. And not in the nagging way people don’t want to be like their mother. In the I want to be everything she wasn’t way. 

5. My circle of trust is so small. People think they know me, that I am weak or fragile. I am not. Push me too hard and it’s ugly. I hate that about myself. 

6. I question every post, picture, baked good I make. Way more than I should. I hold my breath until someone sees it, tastes, it, comments about it. I need the reinforcement way more than I feel I should. I love everyone of you who takes the time to say hello, great job, looks delicous. It truly means the world to me.

7. I surround myself with nice things because I didn’t have them growing up. I like to know they are there, to touch, admire, and to show off. I know this is kinda shallow, but having nothing makes you really want something.

8. I am madly in love. This person doesn’t know it, or I don’t show it like I should. I can’t tell them again. 

9. My kid. Wow, I am in awe everyday. I know everyone gushes about their kid, but being a mom at 17 was whoa. And I fought and worked hard to make sure she has a good life, and I am so proud of her. And I have so many people to thank for helping with her. And I know I could have gone down another bad, dark road, but she saved me. And she will never fully know to what extent. But damn I love her more than I ever thought you could love someone. 

10. I “talk” to many of you more than I do my real life family and friends. And I appreciate every word you read, every picture you take the time to look at, the comments and thoughts and sweet gestures  you make. You truly are a community of wonderful people. 

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